I did it again

… Whoops! This here is just the reflection of some office drama I’ve managed to avoid. Apparently I’m the only man not wearing jeans whenever I’m at the main office. Yes, it’s a good thing, considering there’s only 3 more men working in that building and two of them are the CEO and the vicepresident in charge of everything. The other guy happens to be the IT guy, but he can make things go whoupsie at a whim, so he’s untouchable.

               Women love shoes. Men love women. I’ve recently been part of a conversation where one young secretary equipped with the latest IPhone was confessing to everybody who would listen that the best coffee is the one she drinks Saturday mornings, at this new bar. I’m rather ashamed to admit I drink mine either at work or at home, since all those other types of coffee confuse me to no end. She wears high heels, she’s perky, she’s pretty and I’d never ever work with her. Her latest shopping spree was in Dubai – a magical place everybody should visit, according to her. It’s the luxury, dummy. Yea, my latest shopping spree cost less than half of that, to replace the whole clutch stuff on my wife’s car. Every time I enter the office I sort of see her screen locked on various shoes, handbags or dresses. Can’t miss it either, it’s the first thing one sees. Bad placement, I’d say.

               I understand now why women love shoes and dresses so much – my wife told me the secret. They make the wearer a different person, so to speak. They inspire, they drive emotional states, going through them makes the woman try different emotions. I don’t get it. I won’t comment on that, either. What I’ll comment on is the drive women have, these days, to outperform and outdo everybody. Women are way more aggressive than men when it comes to work. Usually, there are exceptions to that. About 70% of the women feel the need to prove something, they work like there’s a competition like in Hunger Games or something. No, I haven’t seen that film – reading the plot was reason enough for me to skip it. However, men have something the women seem to be missing – I can curse somebody, I can get angry, it’s like men have the ability to criticize the work but not the person who did it. After that, we’re going for a pint and there’s no hard feelings. Not possible to women, apparently. If you get a woman angry, it’s personal. Always. I don’t know why, nobody could explain that to me in terms I could understand.

               There’s no way for a woman and a man to work together in perfect harmony for long periods of time. It may seem odd, or wrong, for me to say that but I’ve worked under women, I’ve led women and I’ve seen men and women work together. But I’ve never seen a man and a woman work side by side unless they’re both older. And even then, it was just temporary. It’s not about competence or skill, it’s about social pressure. The wife will complain, the rumor brigade will kindle the fire and the woman will take it personally. Always. You can joke all you want, it’s real. And woe to the man working for a woman, in a woman-centric team. He’s going down hard, within two years. No, again, it’s not about skill. Women aren’t rational when it comes to that. This could be just my experience, I know. Feel free to add your experience to this, I’m all ears. But everything, from small stings like “Oh, you have laryngitis? Well, they always said you talked too much so maybe it’s a blessing..” to all-out wars, points to me being right. Especially if it’s sales we’re talking about.

               Are men idiots? Of course. Do women have to prove they’re better just to be able to work in the same area? It’s possible. But it still won’t explain why even when there’s no man in sight women act like there’s a beehive stirring from under them. Women fighting women – the ugliest office drama you can experience. It’s easier in tech or anywhere there’s no dress-code to follow. My biggest realization ever, on this matter, was that some clothes are somehow incompatible. Emotions are incompatible. Every damn time there was a fight around the office, you could bet money on the subject of clothes. Men are used to power stances, hell this got me thinking. To women, clothes are power stances. Is that even possible?

               I’m walking on thin ice here, my whole understanding of women basically revolves on what my wife says. Otherwise, I’m winging it. I’m nice, I’m opening doors, I’m polite – but I never ever socialize. I do have one woman I’m usually talking to, 10 years older than me and enough experience to run the place – but I won’t ever gossip or otherwise talk about work-related stuff. I just listen and ignore, she can rant and vent all she likes and I forget everything half an hour later. We don’t work together, we just car-pool and talk politics or jokes during the day. She loves jokes and I could tell jokes non-stop for a few days without repeating myself. But that’s it. Nothing more. Socializing with women at work is like talking to the media – you got nothing to gain but everything to lose. Interesting thing, innit?

               Why are women so keen on looks? Every interview I’ve been to had at least one woman in the team. She was also usually the one with power. I’ve never felt more scrutinized or more aware of every crease on my suit than when women handled the job interview. Also, the only one to help me when I really needed it, when all others didn’t find me to their liking, was a man. Everyone else rejecting me was a woman, which could explain my theory of how women can smell fear and despair – but here I’m just being mean, as usual. It’s bias, pure and simple, right? The thing is, when it comes to doing a good job – how the person deserving the praise is dressed is something that only comes up when the person doing the praising is a woman. Apparently you can’t do a good job if you’re not all spit and polish when in front of a woman. I’m venting, yes. Hiperventilating is more like it. It’s time to open a bottle of something..

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