.. (as written on August 1st in the year of our lord 2012, when it was just wishfull thinking). Now it’s true.
I’ve started this blog on a whim. I’ve lied many times, I’ve been told to lie, I’ve said things others wanted to hear and lost myself piece by piece within that web and worst of all I’ve lied to myself. I think I’m a bit bonkers for not starting sooner. So the reason for me writing this stuff is to have something to evaluate, rethink or fix, some day. I won’t lie here. I don’t write for others, I write to keep sane, to have a bit of proof I haven’t given up, to keep myself on track and to have something to remind me I’m still over the hedge (Get it? Oy, RC!). I’ve seen shit, I’ve met my share of bumbling idiots, I’ve even been one myself – here I write the truth as I see it now, to debunk it. To rephrase it. To rebuild my core, my chipset and in doing so, to evolve. To heal. To become a better man, husband and father. I have to have some sanity written somewhere I can go to, within easy reach.
There’s stuff I’ve put in writing years ago. Other things I’m writing whenever I can, on my lunch break or at night. I’m recreating myself. I’m getting back my mojo, one sentence at a time. I won’t be a pawn of others, I won’t be what others want me to be, not anymore. Not in my own head. I can’t be my son’s mentor if I’m not who I want him to be. And I’m the only one qualified to judge myself. Nobody else but me.
I can and will be angry, sad or happy, I’ll debate, pull apart and put together various ideas or concepts. It’s a sort of catharsis – I’m finally healing, finally standing up and facing the music. Quantum physics healed me, sort of. I’m thinking, I’m adapting again. I don’t have to be right but I welcome being wrong – that’s the stuff that keeps the hair on my chest. My wife and my son are the spark, all this is for me and through me, for them. Too many “I”-s, innit? Why do you think it’s that way? It’s not for you, never has and never will be – I just talk to myself, to my future self. If my ideas are in writing, I’ll get to review them when I need to with a small measure of objectivity. Future me, gorgeous, here’s how I think now, prove me wrong.